Who decides what is fair?
Your child works their tail off all year on the hockey team, and then they are not allowed to play in the final game because they are deemed “not quite good enough” by the volunteer coach.
Your one and only is the victim of bullying at school. It is clear cut. There are three predators. Only two are punished, third boy, he is the principals kid.
Your baby pours her heart and soul into a theatre audition for a fancy school for the arts. She is a talented little drama queen with an impressive list of dance and music experience, she also has the grades to back her up and make her a star! What she doesn’t have. A legacy. Her Mama didn’t go to the school. Nor did her Dad…oh and they aren’t neurosurgeons or fat cat lawyers. Guess who didn’t make the cut.
All are true Mama stories borrowed from my friends, from this week.
This crazy week has me thinking. At what point as a Mother do you step in and announce….UNFAIR. Does it even help to do this?
Does the squeaky wheel ever get the grease…or do they just get labelled “the bitch”?
I try very hard to see my children for who they are. I will never claim to be perfect, and I know they aren’t, but do think I have a solid grasp of who my girls are and what they are capable of. I will advocate for them until they are old enough and strong enough to advocate for themselves. I will also admit that sometimes it is hard to know when to speak up and when to let things run it’s course!
My question to you.
At what point do YOU say enough is enough. At what point does your inner lioness kick in?
-Is it when they are being bullied at school? grrr Girls can be so mean.
-Is it when their spot on the Track team is given to them on a Monday and then snatched from them on a Tuesday?
Where do you draw the line between the ugly and harsh life is not always fair crap that I feel I have doled out once too often lately?
Do you have a story you would like to get off your chest? Tell me I am not alone! I can’t be the only Mama who has had the occasion, the need to stand up for my babies!
When did you have to take a stand and announce NOT FAIR!!!
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When I thought my music teacher was slighting me in the recital, my mom went to meet with her. I believe my mom learned that another girl and I each had the same number of pieces, and more than anyone else. In this case, my perception was wrong.
More important, when my stepdaughter thought it was unfair for her teacher to only have “room mothers,” my husband TAUGHT HIS DAUGHTER to go to the teacher and make the case. Very respectfully and factually. A fourth-grader learned a great and lasting lesson that day, and the teacher welcomed room fathers.
Don’t you just hate the politics of the ‘burbs? At some point it takes care of itself, but isn’t fun when you’re living it.
This year, my son tried out for traveling baseball. It was his first time. He played “in house” before the kids had traveling. Once traveling started, he decided to quit and focus on hockey. Well, he missed it and went back last year and played “in house.” Anyway, this year was his first year trying out. What a joke! There was no tryout for the AAA and AA teams. They took the same kids as last year. Not one of the 23 kids who tried out for the first time or played A last year “broke into” the AAA or AA teams. Seriously, what are the odds of that one? My kid is a really good player and does not deserve playing A. But, it is what it is. We told him those “dads” can’t protect their kids forever. It all works itself out in the end.
Anyway, he’s having a ball. None of his other friends who tried out for the first time made it either and they are all playing on the same A team.
I didn’t make a stink about it. However, the AA coach showed up to watch one of our games (deep down he knew.). I talked very LOUDLY about my feelings over tryouts (lack of). Making sure he heard every word!n LOL…
This is the first tome I’ve read your blog, and it was really interesting to see this post.
My son has some special needs, and so I try really hard not to step in all the time (he has a good school support system), but at the same time sometimes I have to.
He was in a karate class for quite awhile and the sensei kept taking his belt away. It was devastating for Matt because he was trying to behave, but for him an hour of concentrating and behaving was a stretch – and when someone teased him he’d get angry.
For me it became a big issue because they were never willing to work with us to find ways to help him manage the situation. (i.e. take a break and go to the waiting area)It was their rules or no belt.
It’s a tough one.
Do you teach your child to follow rules no matter what or do you work on solutions?
As for standing up … I follow Matt’s lead. He was really upset by the karate thing so I did something.
When it comes to school his teacher is amazing, so I rarely have to make things an issue.
The track thing – I’d be calling.
My 8 yr old told me the other night that she isn’t allowed to sit at the middle table because Ashley won’t let her. My first instinct was to show up at lunch and ask Ashley just who she thought she was. Thinking this wouldn’t help in the long run I decided it was not in her best interest for me to do so.
BUT… when I was a kid I was bullied on my a big group of kids. They made everyone hate me. It was so bad I didn’t want to go to school. When I got off the bus in then morning I had a soda bumped on me. That would have been a good time for my mother to jump in but she did. I sorta felt like she let me down.
The big big big one to me, and it killed me to read it in the post, is the bullying. It seems every single freaking day I turn on the tv and someone has killed themselves because of bullying, someone was beat into a coma, someone actually died, it is way too much. My husband and I are big on not letting them run away from problems, but I will also not stand by and watch this happen to them. They are more important to me than anything. I see how it may be hard to fight the principal (that based-on-a-true-story lifetime Movie Fab Five is going through my mind right now), so if I couldn’t, I would find a different school.
First I try to find out all the details of the situation and then I start asking questions of whoever is in charge. I’m a squeaky wheel when it comes to my kids. (And I’m non-confrontational too so the whole thing is extra painful for me.)
I have regularly stood up to the school when things have clearly not been fair but in all honesty it’s never got me anywhere and I think on occassions it my have done my daughter more harm than good. As far as the complaints have gone the school just close ranks, stand shoulder to shoulder and lie to protect themselves. on one occassion a classroom assistant told me exactly what had happened but I couldn’t say so as I didn’t want to get her embroiled in it but the schoolteacher and headmaster lied to me about what had happened and called my daughter a liar too but we knew the truth. she has a morbid fear of mash potato (bizarre I know!!!) but she had started shaking and crying when forced to have it at school and when she wouldn’t/couldn’t comply she was yelled at and picked up by her arm (aged 7) and marched out of the dining hall. You can sigh and say why bother etc etc but someone has to stand up and be counted sometimes, be prepared to take on the fight and see it through. But as I say the argument about the wrongness of the treatment was lost and I believe she was picked on more for me having said anything. I once told the headteacher I was worried he picked on the child because of the mother and he got very angry with me. *sigh again*
Great questions! And I am thankful I don’t have to make those choices. I know my mom did a few times and it was tough on her. I admire all you moms for all you do. These choices not being the least of it!
Wow that is not fair what happen to your family. I am not sure how to deal with that just yet.. I have a young child. I would though keep telling your girls to keep on going and they can do it. Yes, life is not fair but at least they are not giving up. If someone is mean then kill them with kindness. That is what my Mom always told me.. Have a great day..
So much is not fair! I want to step in for my kids and call people out- and I think I will, but more b/c I’m calling others out on their b.s. and not b/c I’m actually expecting results.
Thanks so much for the comment!!
I was always shy as a kid and didn’t stand up for myself much …. and always regret it.
So enter my darling daughter, who was bullied a bit in grade 4, who I told “I will sit in your classroom, all day, every day to make sure that you are safe.” (I work nights so I COULD/CAN sit there all day if needed.) AND YES I would have kept her AT HOME if she was not safe at school.
So now she is in Grade 10 and it is the Art teacher who is not fair. It started with RULES about no purses in the classrooms (which I think is so dumb) and when I complained, she didn’t want to talk to me but referred me the VP (who I have talked with about 4 or 5 times about this). So after that, the Art teacher took her irritation with me out on my daughter and a mark for a sketching assignment. She basically called Marissa a liar. I complained to the VP. He said he would look into it- both the mark and the liar-calling. After he didn’t get back to me, I sent a note to school with a comment that if he didn’t call me today then I would contact the school board.
He called. I don’t think much got resolved because the teacher said that she didn’t call Marissa a liar and said the mark for the sketch reflected more for following the assignment then the sketch itself. SO……… my only recourse was to say that I want my daughter to have a different Art teacher next year so that the teacher’s unfairness doesn’t make my child not like Art anymore— something she loves and is very good at.
Sorry that is so long!!!!
The squeaky wheel DOES get the grease. So even if you don’t want to ‘COMPLAIN’ about something, just ‘complain’ and see how it goes.
i usually start by asking questions…with the person in charge, then expand the circle accordingly…also, its a great time to drop as question in the local paper…that will sure get someones attention…
I had my step-daughter go to soccer camp last summer, after we got there the first day I realized it was mostly boys and not many people her age. She was doing it more for fun and skills learning but so many of the others were way more serious. It got pretty hard for her and I was so angry! Camp is supposed to be FUN! Anyways, I let her stop early. My kids are still small so this hasn’t come up in my life much yet, but I know it will…hopefully I will be prepared to act, but not overreact. And hopefully I will know the difference!!?? Maybe?? 🙂
Great thought-provoking post. Hmmm…my instinctive answer would be YES to both scenarios that you’d laid out. But then, if I were to sit back and really think about it, I would say, “It depends.” On how upset my child/ren would be over the case. While certain situations would raise our hackles as parents, sometimes our child/ren might be less affected by them than we think they would be and raving and ranting over OUR perceived unfairness of the situation might make a situation worse than it actually is for the child/ren. Sometimes it’s good to take the child/ren’s lead on these things. BUT… depending on how outrageously unfair the situation is –even if my kids are not affected, –I might still have a word and say something, though. Did I just contradict myself? *sigh* Parenting is such a challenge, eh?
I don’t have children, although I am really close to my two younger sisters. A couple of years ago my youngest sister was being badly bullied at school and I stepped straight in there and got something done about it. There is no way that anyone should have to try to cope with that on their own. There is also no way that anyone should be too scared to go to school. Bullies really anger me. Grrrr!!