How to Survive Life in the Suburbs

Impulse Purchases equals . . . Granny Panties?

in Everyday, Lifestyle on

Oh good grief it’s happened!  I was shopping at Costco, buzzing around picking up all the things a modern Mama needs to survive in the Suburbs.  You know, 10 pounds of chocolate chips, 36 rolls of toilet paper, 15 Chicken Breasts and 3 loaves of bread when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted them.  A package of six women’s briefs for less then what I usually spend on one itty bitty pair at my usual place.  I had to bring my giant ass grocery cart to a stop and take a look at the plastic tube that contained this sweet deal.  PLASTIC TUBE.  Huh.  Turns out I’m a bit of an underwear snob because this tube of panties was making me all kinds of dubious.  Inside the tube were six pairs of  neatly rolled up “Woman’s Briefs” ranging in colour from black to hot pink to polka dot.  How bad could they be if they have polka dots?  They were described as “Flattering and High Cut”.  Hmmm, I looked around the giant Costco, you know, to make sure there wasn’t anyone around I knew because I’m super mature like that, and saw the coast was clear.  Grabbed myself one of those tubes and threw it in my oversized cart.  No one would ever notice that tiny purchase surrounded by a giant bottle of pickles and 9 cans of tuna.  Proud of myself for my stealth like behaviour and effort to save money on lingerie, I strutted to the checkout. 

Later in the day I unpacked my newly purchased “lingerie” and what did I discover?  I was now the proud owner of what can only be described as Granny Panties. 

GrannyPanites

Crap. SIX pairs of them. 

steve_urkel

Apparently “High cut” can also be loosely translated to “Urkel style, easily mistaken for a T-shirt,  or my kids could use them for a parachute panties”.    Sigh. 
This guy …he’s not one I usually take fashion advice from.

However, not one easily scared away by a challenge, I tried on my new purchase….and nearly peed in my brand new leopard print Granny Panties.  Who wears underwear this ugly?  That ride up so high they stick out over the top of your pants?  That your Grandma wears?  Wait a second….Huh.  Maybe Mamas who want to be comfortable? 
No NO!!  I took off those Granny Panties, threw them under my “giving up on life, I don’t give a crap what they look like because they are the most comfy PJ’s in the world pyjama bottoms” and made a pact with myself to never EVER wear them again.  Or you know, until it’s laundry day, and the Hubby’s away, and it’s really cold out and I need an extra layer of clothes to keep me warm.  But only then!
Sigh.  I am getting old, but not Granny Panty old.

    • Comments

    3. I did the exact same thing once and was shocked by what I found! Two of me could have easily fit into those granny panties! I gave them to my mom and moved on.

    6. okay this post had me rolling. That is way too funny.. I had some of those when I was p.g. Now I am onto finding some new and better ones.. Not like those of course..

    10. Personally, I think they are fantastic. Please mail them to me. I have been wearing the same maternity panties for 4 1/2 years. DON’T JUDGE!